A propos

Even the most vicious mammals in the animal kingdom have the natural instinct to protect and nurture their offspring. But we, as cognitive humans, have the ability to invent brilliant rationalizations for our behavior and convince ourselves that they are valid. We find comfortable distractions from our fears and our pains, and call it moving on. We congratulate ourselves on our own self-awareness, while we continue to walk in denial. In this way the rational mind is the greatest asset to mankind, and the greatest liability to our natural animal instincts.

Also, it is easy to forget, at times, that life is not made up of only extremes, all or nothing, here or there, black and white. There are many colors in the spectrum and a myriad of ways to overcome any challenging situation. A capable and creative mind could be put to such better use than to rationalize a behavior that goes against nature. Instead we can use the power of a brilliant mind to find a creative solution to a challenging situation.

And now this man that I loved so much it scared me, this man who I believed in long after I should have given up, this man who I had such high hopes for, has found a very beautiful and poetic way to justify his choice; which is every day to walk further away from a situation in which he is still very much involved. It hurts me to know that he is using his rational mind to justify the rejection of his own child, a painful energy she surely already feels but does not yet understand. And it is sad to know that he has the ability to go on with his life only slightly affected, and with no sense of obligation to a life that we created together and are both equally responsible. And to do so without remorse, as so many men do these days.

It is so sad to me because even only knowing him for the short time I did, I could see that he has everything it takes to be a stellar father. But the most important ingredient is love, and although he said before that "of course" he would love her, it is clear that he is not ready to. If he can truly succeed at going on with his life after his daughter's birth with no desire to see her or know her, and sleep every night soundly without a certain emptiness and longing, then I can only assume our daughter is missing out on nothing. That animal instinct to protect and nurture, that innate parental love one has for his child, is really the only tie that could ever bind him to her. If that doesn't exist within him, it is better for everyone that he is not involved. If this is the case, which it appears to be, it will be MY job to find a poetic way to turn his absence into something beautiful that she can accept someday without resentment.

T.v.E 2010