Final conclusion

The Insanity of a Broken Heart

“Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt! May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agonized as in that hour left my lips: for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love.”



― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Goodbye Kiss

Finally we meet in the middle

with violet bonfire reflecting in our eyes

In this vicinity we speak without words

I toss the cord, awkward and heavy with bulk

Across the flames, his tired face is

hardened by captive time
Saying

"Do what you must"

On my hip sits the child,

staring into the fire,

eyes so similar to his

 "Are you okay with this?"

Fearless she is
with a faith known only to the young

"I trust you, Mom"

What bliss it must be

to not know pain

to not know the agony of regret

Together, she and I, hypnotized

As swirls of fuschia smoke

rise from the cord

Crackling slight resistance

dissolving from existence

And now I can see him through her eyes:

A stranger, unnecessary in our lives.

Her faith gives me the courage to trust myself

Her strength gives me permission to let go

TvE 2011

"when you lose someone you love, invite all the things you loved about that person into your life"

Subconcious

As you study your own interior design

Examine the paintings selected and color scheme

You can repaint the walls a more appetizing shade

only to discover a chip and the old is still there

Underneath, a color selected by another

A misrepresentation, a lie

Hidden by the chosen decorations

Hidden even from yourself

TvE 2011

What is Real?

"What is real? ... Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once...," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

-The Velveteen Rabbit

Dirty glasses

A plethora of unanswered questions weighs on me

its why I have to keep moving so fast

to outrun it

but times like these I slow enough to settle the dust and reflect

to remember the girl I once was, light and natural

like attending my own funeral

lessons learned from pain self-inflicted contain no wisdom

you only learn to see yourself through a blurry spotted lens

TvE 2011

Character

"A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's." --Jean Paul Richter

Desperate Love

"In desperate love, it's always like this, isn't it? In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place." -Elizabeth Gilbert

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

- Shakespeare

Intertwining Past and Future

Treasure map routes glow golden
Yet change on a regular basis
You wont know until you pull it out again
And find yourself somewhere shocking
My only advice is this
Make plans obsolete and dictionaries resentful
And find answers in between your pillow and lucidity
But whenever you feel you are running late
Just remember
Clocks tick but were invented by man
There's no such thing as time

TvE 2010

Trust Thyself (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope.

Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events. Great men have always done so, and confided themselves childlike to the genius of their age, betraying their perception that the absolutely trustworthy was seated at their heart, working through their hands, predominating in all their being. And we are now men, and must accept in the highest mind the same transcendent destiny; and not minors and invalids in a protected corner, not cowards fleeing before a revolution, but guides, redeemers, and benefactors, obeying the Almighty effort, and advancing on Chaos and the Dark.

Paulo Coelho- Forgiveness

- Remember the Aleph. Remember what you felt at that moment. The explanations and responses will not be sufficient. They will confuse you even more with that which is already so complex. Simply forgive me.

- I do not know why I have to forgive the man I love.

Hilal searches for inspiration on the golden walls, the columns, the people coming at this hour of the morning, the flames of the lit candles.

- I forgive the girl I was, not because I want to become a saint but because I do not want to endure this hatred. This tiresome hatred.

This was not what I expected.
- You may not forgive everyone and everything, but forgive me.
- I forgive everything and everyone. I forgive you because I love you and you do not love me. I forgive you because you reject me and I am losing my power.

She closes her eyes and raises her hands towards the ceiling.

- I am liberated from hatred by means of forgiveness and love. I understand that suffering, when it cannot be avoided, helps me to advance towards glory.

Hilal speaks softly but the acoustics of the church are so perfect that everything she says seems to echo throughout the four corners. But my experience tells me that she is channelling the spirit of a child.

The tears I shed, I forgive.
The suffering and disappointments, I forgive.
The betrayals and lies, I forgive.
The slandering and scheming, I forgive.
The hatred and persecution, I forgive.
The punches that were given, I forgive.
The shattered dreams, I forgive.
The dead hopes, I forgive.
The disaffection and jealousy, I forgive.
The indifference and ill will, I forgive.
The injustice in the name of justice, I forgive.
The anger and mistreatment, I forgive.
The neglect and oblivion, I forgive.
The world with all its evil, I forgive.

She lowers her arms, opens her eyes and places her hands on her face.
I move closer to kiss her, but she makes a signal with her hands.
- I have not finished yet.
She closes her eyes and looks up.

Grief and resentment, I replace with understanding and agreement.
Revolt, I replace with music that comes from my violin.
Pain I replace with oblivion.
Revenge, I replace with victory.

I will be able to love above all discontentment.
To give even when I am stripped of everything.
To work happily even when I find myself in the midst of all obstacles.
To dry tears even when I am still crying.
To believe even when I am discredited.

She opens her eyes, puts her hands on my head and says with an authority that comes from above:

- Thy will be done. Thy will be done.

(Translated by Priya Sher)

______________________

from Paulo Coelho's new book ALEPH (O Aleph)

Plato on poetry

Whoever comes to the doors of poetry without the madness of the muses, confident that he will become an accomplished poet by skill or art alone, this person and his poetry will fall short of his aim; the poetry of those who are mad will obliterate the poetry of a sound and self-controlled mind...

excerpt from "Phaedrus"

What can't be undone

If I could, I would tell you that I wish I hadn't put so much pressure on you. I wish I had exercised patience and trust and allowed myself to be vulnerable instead of defensive. I wish I had simply shared my fears with you instead of letting them take over me and instigate attack. I wish I had trusted that time would show you who I am, instead of trying to explain myself and failing miserably. I wish I had backed off and let you do what you wanted without putting my two cents in left and right. I wish I had stayed centered and focused on my own life, had let you focus on yours, and just enjoyed your company and our time together. Although I acknowledge there is no way we could ever be happy together again, I am full of remorse for not making the most of it when we were given the chance.

A propos

Even the most vicious mammals in the animal kingdom have the natural instinct to protect and nurture their offspring. But we, as cognitive humans, have the ability to invent brilliant rationalizations for our behavior and convince ourselves that they are valid. We find comfortable distractions from our fears and our pains, and call it moving on. We congratulate ourselves on our own self-awareness, while we continue to walk in denial. In this way the rational mind is the greatest asset to mankind, and the greatest liability to our natural animal instincts.

Also, it is easy to forget, at times, that life is not made up of only extremes, all or nothing, here or there, black and white. There are many colors in the spectrum and a myriad of ways to overcome any challenging situation. A capable and creative mind could be put to such better use than to rationalize a behavior that goes against nature. Instead we can use the power of a brilliant mind to find a creative solution to a challenging situation.

And now this man that I loved so much it scared me, this man who I believed in long after I should have given up, this man who I had such high hopes for, has found a very beautiful and poetic way to justify his choice; which is every day to walk further away from a situation in which he is still very much involved. It hurts me to know that he is using his rational mind to justify the rejection of his own child, a painful energy she surely already feels but does not yet understand. And it is sad to know that he has the ability to go on with his life only slightly affected, and with no sense of obligation to a life that we created together and are both equally responsible. And to do so without remorse, as so many men do these days.

It is so sad to me because even only knowing him for the short time I did, I could see that he has everything it takes to be a stellar father. But the most important ingredient is love, and although he said before that "of course" he would love her, it is clear that he is not ready to. If he can truly succeed at going on with his life after his daughter's birth with no desire to see her or know her, and sleep every night soundly without a certain emptiness and longing, then I can only assume our daughter is missing out on nothing. That animal instinct to protect and nurture, that innate parental love one has for his child, is really the only tie that could ever bind him to her. If that doesn't exist within him, it is better for everyone that he is not involved. If this is the case, which it appears to be, it will be MY job to find a poetic way to turn his absence into something beautiful that she can accept someday without resentment.

T.v.E 2010

Gustave Courbet on what art should be--Paris, 1855

"I have studied the art of the ancients and the art of the moderns, avoiding any preconceived system and without prejudice. I no longer wanted to imitate the one than to copy the other; nor, furthermore, was it my intention to attain the trivial goal of "art for art's sake". No! I simply wanted to draw forth, from a complete acquaintance with tradition, the reasoned and independent consciousness of my own individuality.
To know in order to do, that was my idea. To be in a position to translate the customs, the ideas, the appearance of my time, according to my own estimation; to be not only a painter, but a man as well; in short, to create living art - this is my goal."

Creation in Absentia

You, My premier paramour

you peeled my inhibitions away

layer by layer

And spoke to my core with your gaze

and at that moment of creation

our warm open bodies,

pushing and melting and pulsing together

What we had then is now tainted and spoiled

with nothing left to offer each other

yet I crave your presence for

this upcoming event, this grande finale

Believing that you deserve and should desire,

to own this experience

to witness the sequel of the love we made

to regard the delayed reactions of my body

To welcome a precious innocent life

our small gift, to this world

Not you today, but that other "you"
the “you” you were back then.

But I can see the future
in my mind's eye

The curtains will open and I will be alone

Knowing I couldn't have gotten there without you

And yet I will be.
In the spotlight

And...

The show must go on.

T.v.E 2010

Evening Star (Edgar Allan Poe)

'Twas noontide of summer,

And mid-time of night;

And stars, in their orbits,

Shone pale, thro' the light

Of the brighter, cold moon,

'Mid planets her slaves,

Herself in the Heavens,

Her beam on the waves.

I gazed awhile

On her cold smile;

Too cold—too cold for me—

There pass'd, as a shroud,

A fleecy cloud,

And I turned away to thee,

Proud Evening Star,

In thy glory afar,

And dearer thy beam shall be;

For joy to my heart

Is the proud part

Thou bearest in Heaven at night,

And more I admire

Thy distant fire,

Than that colder, lowly light.

Soon I will be a 'mommy!'

Love is...

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived". [William Parrish] from the movie, Meet Joe Black (1998)

Daily Meditation

"See their good, Tiffani.

See nothing else.

Do it for you."

Resurrection

Having pushed the pain

somewhere deep within

the fateful journey continues...

Those grey yesterdays

replayed too many times

but now we wake to vivid colors,

songs of windchimes and birds,

Shimmers of sunlight dancing

on rooftops and pools of water

The aroma of Night-blooming jasmine

peeking around evening corners

And now we listen when a star called Hope

reminds us of tomorrows laughter.

Perhaps they were there all along

but sad eyes forget how to see

And now as we emerge from the labyrinth of a lesson

Liberated from the bondage of self-doubt

No need to explain or defend,

no desire to pry or pretend

This miracle, this exotic orchid that blooms within

will be a reminder until the night I die

For soon the day will come when she moves through me

the pain of late will emerge once again

tangible as Death and I will feel it in my depths

and right after He releases me from his terrifying grip

He will bestow upon me the greatest gift of all,

Pure Life, and the chance to start anew.

T.v.E 2010

A Peek Inside an Alternate Future

I dreamt that we were living together

yet living separate lives

And your family lived in the other room

And your family was my family

Someone left a baby propped upon the sofa

too young to be sitting the way she was

So I picked her up and admired her hair

And realized she was me

I opened the door to our room

And you were sleeping there

Under the covers you rolled

Revealed

And I wanted so badly to crawl into bed with you

and hold you from behind,

gently kiss the back of your neck and whisper

everything would be fine

But I knew you just wanted to sleep

And so I let you

T.v.E.2010

Mad Girl's Love Song (Sylvia Plath)

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead,

I lift my lids and all is born again.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)  

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red, 

And arbitrary blackness gallops in: 

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.  

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed 

And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. 

(I think I made you up inside my head.)  

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade: 

Exit seraphim and Satan's men: 

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.  

I fancied you'd return the way you said, 

But I grow old and I forget your name. 

(I think I made you up inside my head.)  

I should have loved a thunderbird instead; 

At least when spring comes they roar back again. 

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. 

(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

El Tiburón

"There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be."

-Pearl S. Buck