"The bird proudly willing to burn,
So that she may live again"


Saturday, March 22, 2014

Final conclusion



Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Insanity of a Broken Heart

“Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt! May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agonized as in that hour left my lips: for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love.”



― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Friday, September 9, 2011

Goodbye Kiss




Finally we meet in the middle
with violet bonfire reflecting in our eyes
In this vicinity we speak without words

I toss the cord, awkward and heavy with bulk
Across the flames, his tired face is
hardened by captive time
Saying
"Do what you must"

On my hip sits the child,
staring into the fire,
eyes so similar to his

 "Are you okay with this?"


Fearless she is
with a faith known only to the young
"I trust you, Mom"

What bliss it must be
to not know pain
to not know the agony of regret

Together, she and I, hypnotized
As swirls of fuschia smoke
rise from the cord
Crackling slight resistance
dissolving from existence

And now I can see him through her eyes:
A stranger, unnecessary in our lives.
Her faith gives me the courage to trust myself
Her strength gives me permission to let go

TvE 2011


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

"when you lose someone you love, invite all the things you loved about that person into your life"

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Subconcious

As you study your own interior design
Examine the paintings selected and color scheme
You can repaint the walls a more appetizing shade
only to discover a chip and the old is still there
Underneath, a color selected by another
A misrepresentation, a lie
Hidden by the chosen decorations
Hidden even from yourself

TvE 2011




Friday, July 15, 2011

What is Real?


"What is real? ... Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once...," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."


-The Velveteen Rabbit

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Dirty glasses

A plethora of unanswered questions weighs on me
its why I have to keep moving so fast
to outrun it
but times like these I slow enough to settle the dust and reflect
to remember the girl I once was, light and natural
like attending my own funeral
lessons learned from pain self-inflicted contain no wisdom
you only learn to see yourself through a blurry spotted lens


TvE 2011

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Character

"A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's." --Jean Paul Richter


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Desperate Love

"In desperate love, it's always like this, isn't it? In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place." -Elizabeth Gilbert

Saturday, April 23, 2011

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
- Shakespeare

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Intertwining Past and Future





Treasure map routes glow golden
Yet change on a regular basis
You wont know until you pull it out again
And find yourself somewhere shocking
My only advice is this
Make plans obsolete and dictionaries resentful
And find answers in between your pillow and lucidity
But whenever you feel you are running late
Just remember
Clocks tick but were invented by man
There's no such thing as time


TvE 2010

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Trust Thyself (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope.
Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events. Great men have always done so, and confided themselves childlike to the genius of their age, betraying their perception that the absolutely trustworthy was seated at their heart, working through their hands, predominating in all their being. And we are now men, and must accept in the highest mind the same transcendent destiny; and not minors and invalids in a protected corner, not cowards fleeing before a revolution, but guides, redeemers, and benefactors, obeying the Almighty effort, and advancing on Chaos and the Dark.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Paulo Coelho- Forgiveness

- Remember the Aleph. Remember what you felt at that moment. The explanations and responses will not be sufficient. They will confuse you even more with that which is already so complex. Simply forgive me.

- I do not know why I have to forgive the man I love.

Hilal searches for inspiration on the golden walls, the columns, the people coming at this hour of the morning, the flames of the lit candles.

- I forgive the girl I was, not because I want to become a saint but because I do not want to endure this hatred. This tiresome hatred.

This was not what I expected.
- You may not forgive everyone and everything, but forgive me.
- I forgive everything and everyone. I forgive you because I love you and you do not love me. I forgive you because you reject me and I am losing my power.

She closes her eyes and raises her hands towards the ceiling.

- I am liberated from hatred by means of forgiveness and love. I understand that suffering, when it cannot be avoided, helps me to advance towards glory.

Hilal speaks softly but the acoustics of the church are so perfect that everything she says seems to echo throughout the four corners. But my experience tells me that she is channelling the spirit of a child.

The tears I shed, I forgive.
The suffering and disappointments, I forgive.
The betrayals and lies, I forgive.
The slandering and scheming, I forgive.
The hatred and persecution, I forgive.
The punches that were given, I forgive.
The shattered dreams, I forgive.
The dead hopes, I forgive.
The disaffection and jealousy, I forgive.
The indifference and ill will, I forgive.
The injustice in the name of justice, I forgive.
The anger and mistreatment, I forgive.
The neglect and oblivion, I forgive.
The world with all its evil, I forgive.

She lowers her arms, opens her eyes and places her hands on her face.
I move closer to kiss her, but she makes a signal with her hands.
- I have not finished yet.
She closes her eyes and looks up.

Grief and resentment, I replace with understanding and agreement.
Revolt, I replace with music that comes from my violin.
Pain I replace with oblivion.
Revenge, I replace with victory.

I will be able to love above all discontentment.
To give even when I am stripped of everything.
To work happily even when I find myself in the midst of all obstacles.
To dry tears even when I am still crying.
To believe even when I am discredited.

She opens her eyes, puts her hands on my head and says with an authority that comes from above:

- Thy will be done. Thy will be done.

(Translated by Priya Sher)

______________________

from Paulo Coelho's new book ALEPH (O Aleph)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Plato on poetry

Whoever comes to the doors of poetry without the madness of the muses, confident that he will become an accomplished poet by skill or art alone, this person and his poetry will fall short of his aim; the poetry of those who are mad will obliterate the poetry of a sound and self-controlled mind...

excerpt from "Phaedrus"

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

What can't be undone

If I could, I would tell you that I wish I hadn't put so much pressure on you. I wish I had exercised patience and trust and allowed myself to be vulnerable instead of defensive. I wish I had simply shared my fears with you instead of letting them take over me and instigate attack. I wish I had trusted that time would show you who I am, instead of trying to explain myself and failing miserably. I wish I had backed off and let you do what you wanted without putting my two cents in left and right. I wish I had stayed centered and focused on my own life, had let you focus on yours, and just enjoyed your company and our time together. Although I acknowledge there is no way we could ever be happy together again, I am full of remorse for not making the most of it when we were given the chance.



Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A propos


Even the most vicious mammals in the animal kingdom have the natural instinct to protect and nurture their offspring. But we, as cognitive humans, have the ability to invent brilliant rationalizations for our behavior and convince ourselves that they are valid. We find comfortable distractions from our fears and our pains, and call it moving on. We congratulate ourselves on our own self-awareness, while we continue to walk in denial. In this way the rational mind is the greatest asset to mankind, and the greatest liability to our natural animal instincts.

Also, it is easy to forget, at times, that life is not made up of only extremes, all or nothing, here or there, black and white. There are many colors in the spectrum and a myriad of ways to overcome any challenging situation. A capable and creative mind could be put to such better use than to rationalize a behavior that goes against nature. Instead we can use the power of a brilliant mind to find a creative solution to a challenging situation.

And now this man that I loved so much it scared me, this man who I believed in long after I should have given up, this man who I had such high hopes for, has found a very beautiful and poetic way to justify his choice; which is every day to walk further away from a situation in which he is still very much involved. It hurts me to know that he is using his rational mind to justify the rejection of his own child, a painful energy she surely already feels but does not yet understand. And it is sad to know that he has the ability to go on with his life only slightly affected, and with no sense of obligation to a life that we created together and are both equally responsible. And to do so without remorse, as so many men do these days.

It is so sad to me because even only knowing him for the short time I did, I could see that he has everything it takes to be a stellar father. But the most important ingredient is love, and although he said before that "of course" he would love her, it is clear that he is not ready to. If he can truly succeed at going on with his life after his daughter's birth with no desire to see her or know her, and sleep every night soundly without a certain emptiness and longing, then I can only assume our daughter is missing out on nothing. That animal instinct to protect and nurture, that innate parental love one has for his child, is really the only tie that could ever bind him to her. If that doesn't exist within him, it is better for everyone that he is not involved. If this is the case, which it appears to be, it will be MY job to find a poetic way to turn his absence into something beautiful that she can accept someday without resentment.



T.v.E 2010






Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Gustave Courbet on what art should be--Paris, 1855


"I have studied the art of the ancients and the art of the moderns, avoiding any preconceived system and without prejudice. I no longer wanted to imitate the one than to copy the other; nor, furthermore, was it my intention to attain the trivial goal of "art for art's sake". No! I simply wanted to draw forth, from a complete acquaintance with tradition, the reasoned and independent consciousness of my own individuality.
To know in order to do, that was my idea. To be in a position to translate the customs, the ideas, the appearance of my time, according to my own estimation; to be not only a painter, but a man as well; in short, to create living art - this is my goal."

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Creation in Absentia



You, My premier paramour
you peeled my inhibitions away
layer by layer
And spoke to my core with your gaze
and at that moment of creation
our warm open bodies,
pushing and melting and pulsing together

What we had then is now tainted and spoiled
with nothing left to offer each other
yet I crave your presence for
this upcoming event, this grande finale
Believing that you deserve and should desire,
to own this experience
to witness the sequel of the love we made
to regard the delayed reactions of my body
To welcome a precious innocent life
our small gift, to this world

Not you today, but that other "you"
the “you” you were back then.

But I can see the future
in my mind's eye
The curtains will open and I will be alone
Knowing I couldn't have gotten there without you
And yet I will be.
In the spotlight

And...

The show must go on.


T.v.E 2010


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Evening Star (Edgar Allan Poe)


'Twas noontide of summer,
And mid-time of night;
And stars, in their orbits,
Shone pale, thro' the light
Of the brighter, cold moon,
'Mid planets her slaves,
Herself in the Heavens,
Her beam on the waves.
I gazed awhile
On her cold smile;
Too cold—too cold for me—
There pass'd, as a shroud,
A fleecy cloud,
And I turned away to thee,
Proud Evening Star,
In thy glory afar,
And dearer thy beam shall be;
For joy to my heart
Is the proud part
Thou bearest in Heaven at night,
And more I admire
Thy distant fire,
Than that colder, lowly light.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Monday, September 6, 2010

Love is...

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived". [William Parrish] from the movie, Meet Joe Black (1998)




Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Daily Meditation


"See their good, Tiffani.

See nothing else.

Do it for you."



Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Resurrection














Having pushed the pain
somewhere deep within
the fateful journey continues...
Those grey yesterdays
replayed too many times
but now we wake to vivid colors,
songs of windchimes and birds,
Shimmers of sunlight dancing
on rooftops and pools of water
The aroma of Night-blooming jasmine
peeking around evening corners
And now we listen when a star called Hope
reminds us of tomorrows laughter.
Perhaps they were there all along
but sad eyes forget how to see
And now as we emerge from the labyrinth of a lesson
Liberated from the bondage of self-doubt
No need to explain or defend,
no desire to pry or pretend

This miracle, this exotic orchid that blooms within
will be a reminder until the night I die
For soon the day will come when she moves through me
the pain of late will emerge once again
tangible as Death and I will feel it in my depths
and right after He releases me from his terrifying grip
He will bestow upon me the greatest gift of all,
Pure Life, and the chance to start anew.


T.v.E 2010

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

A Peek Inside an Alternate Future




I dreamt that we were living together
yet living separate lives
And your family lived in the other room
And your family was my family
Someone left a baby propped upon the sofa
too young to be sitting the way she was
So I picked her up and admired her hair
And realized she was me
I opened the door to our room
And you were sleeping there
Under the covers you rolled
Revealed
And I wanted so badly to crawl into bed with you
and hold you from behind,
gently kiss the back of your neck and whisper
everything would be fine
But I knew you just wanted to sleep
And so I let you



T.v.E.2010

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Mad Girl's Love Song (Sylvia Plath)


"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead,

I lift my lids and all is born again.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)  

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red, 
And arbitrary blackness gallops in: 
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.  

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed 
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. 
(I think I made you up inside my head.)  

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade: 
Exit seraphim and Satan's men: 
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.  

I fancied you'd return the way you said, 
But I grow old and I forget your name. 
(I think I made you up inside my head.)  

I should have loved a thunderbird instead; 
At least when spring comes they roar back again. 
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. 
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Friday, June 4, 2010

El Tiburón


"There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be."
-Pearl S. Buck